WORDS BY Anthony Gilét
We recently spent a day in bed, (and when I say “we” I obviously mean myself and my best friend, not some good-for-nothing man that only leads to disappointment), talking about who, out of the people we know, would be the best in bed. It’s strange how someone can give off that kind of vibe without having an exact quality to base it on. But when we thought about what it was about each person, it turns out that a combination of qualities arose to indicate someone would know how to work you out in between the sheets.
We figured they have to be a little slutty – as after all, skill does stem from experience. So if you’re having sex more regularly than the guys who just steal their moves from OTT porn stars (that think sucking dick on film makes them some Hollywood actor in line for an Oscar), it would generally make you better in bed. But, at the same time, not too slutty that you could potentially have a lax sphincter on your hands (or halfway down your arm).
This ties hand-in-hand with people that enjoy sex. As some people might be getting enough of it, but not actually be that into it. If a person isn’t enjoying themselves – even if they do orgasm – it’s fairly a given that the entire experience isn’t as enjoyable for both parties.
Secondly, it does come down to having a bit of kinkiness to you. A majority of gay men do like sex that isn’t, let’s say, ‘vanilla’. That’s not to say you have to start shoving electric probes down his shaft – but even the usual stuff can be made a little filthy with the right techniques. Which again, ties in with having a bit of experience.
Next, they have to have some sort of imagination. Sex is like art, in that a certain amount of creativity makes it amazing. Of course, if you get a little swallowed up in the whole thing (see; Lady Gaga and the Artpop gobble-de-gook), you kind of lose site of the mission, and it just goes tits up. Hence why the moment you start suggesting he writhe around in custard while wearing six inch heels, he stops returning your texts.
On the other hand, there’s still hundreds of thousands of people that turn up to watch Lady Gaga cover herself in blood and get vomitted on – how many turn up to an Alanis Morisette gig? Six? So you have to get the balance between creative and mundane right.
You wanna walk out of that bedroom leaving him feeling like he just had the full Beyoncé treatment. Creativity is also important because if you do wind up in the sack with someone that gives head like they’re chewing bacon fat, just use that to picture something totally hot in your head – and when you’re moaning they’ll believe it’s because they’re do something right, which again makes the experience better for them. Because when it comes down to it, sex is just as much about them as it is about you. If they believe you had a good time, it gives them a bit of an ego boost.
Which brings me on to the next point; selfishness will never make you a good lover. Sure, at the end of the day, if it’s some guy you’ve paid for a taxi for to turn up to your house when you’re both high – it may feel OK to use him, and “bust your load” but it certainly hasn’t left him a good impression of you. So don’t be surprised if the bitch retaliates by stealing a wagon-load of Valium from your bathroom cupboard, you deserve it.
Obviously, genetics play some part too. If you’ve got a pretty/large penis or a born-with bubble butt, chances are he’ll be more turned on by you in the first place. Lucky you, if DNA is on your side.
There’s also a clear relationship between the amount of game a guy has and how good he is in bed. Having banter is like foreplay for conversation, which means, if he applies the same attitude to sex, he’ll be teasing the clit off you before he’s even put the tip in.
Finally, one thing that does make you a better lover, are the crap shags too. Those ones that you’d rather smoke a doobie and repress. Remember them. Learn from them. And not only avoid the things that made you go limper than Julian Clary’s wrist, but judge a guy’s reaction – most men aren’t that good of an actor.
Guys that have a combination of these attributes would likely be good lovers. But, of course, we could be talking a lot of absolute bollocks considering the number of guys we’ve slept with that have been shit in bed, is considerably higher than those that weren’t. You could meet a total fucking fraggle, that’s had sex a handful of times with his micro-penis, and you never know, it might just do it for you. Or you could meet the hottest boy, with amazing banter, and he could just be one lazeh-lazeh mun!
So basically… you kinda have to bang him to know for sure.