Over the weekend a group of friends and I were recounting stories of our worst ever hook-ups, and it occurred to me that I hadn’t posted this one…

There comes a point in every Grindr-user’s life when he just can’t handle any more ratchet hook ups. I’d reached that point about six months before this incident. Between the buzzing bitches (including myself), impotent irrelevants and loose Larrys – it was just one disappointment after another. Like Jennifer Lopez’s career after her third album.

For some reason, I’d decided to venture back in to the tragedy of app-“dating”. I don’t know why. But I’m sure it had absolutely nothing to do with all the G and mephedrone I’d consumed over the past two days.

During this six month break, my standards had also got much higher. Although after cruising unsuccessfully for hours on end, I finally settled for a six. As the guy was sober I obviously thought the best way to make a good impression was to mince through his door drenched in drug sweats.

bleedin-pressed2

“Oh my God, you’re off your face!”
He exclaimed as I stepped into his living room, eyes darting from one side to the other and jaw swinging like a conker on a string.
“I’m a little bit high, yeah” I thought I might as well admit it, seen as trying to deny I was high would be like Michael Jackson trying to deny he was black.

Then he sniggered, before snogging my face off. Of course he did. Here’s a little lesson: A six never turns down a nine – even when they’re looking like a cracked out hoe.

bleedin-nine

He’d already pre-warned me that he was rough in the sack, and initially I hadn’t seen the problem. Although it was a slightly different story after he dick-slapped me so hard my mouth bled. BIBLE. As if I’d just got beaten harder than Brazil in the World Cup.

But a quick rinse of mouthwash and we were good to go again though. Yes, I was as dedicated to sex as I was to getting trashed. And after that the foreplay was reasonably hot. Well… for a few minutes anyway.

As he’s rolling on the Johnny, he asks “do you need lube?”
Da FUQ?! Do I need lube?

bleeding-slap

I almost bitch slapped the mother fucka, followed by a rendition of Aretha Franklin’s ‘R.E.S.P.E.C.T’

Who was this fasty faggot?

Like, who can actually get fucked without lube anyway? Apart from Ashley Ryder. I didn’t know whether to feel embarrassed that somebody assumed I was that loose, or gutted because this was clearly going to be a crap shag.

In hind sight, now should’ve been the time I left. Anyway, I excerpted some more of that dedication and proceeded. Next thing you know a sister’s bleeding again. I was so buzzing I thought I’d got my period. Now try suggest I’m loose, dumbass.

bleedin-really

You might expect something like this to happen if the guy’s got some donkey dick, but no. Unfortunately this is also what happens when one hadn’t had sex for three months, and the other has little dog syndrome and thrusts away like a chiuawa in heat. You know what I’m saying. I could’ve fucked an 11 year-old school boy and he probably would’ve had better bedroom etiquette.

I hopped in the shower and when I returned his dick was limper than a cheese string. Which when you’re stuck with someone who’s strictly top makes it hard to climax. Cut to him laying there like, stroking my thigh and staring at me like some guppy fish while I’m tryna bash one out – like that was really gonna do it for me. Sorry babes, no.

oprah

Needless to say, it wasn’t long before I grabbed my shit and sashayed out of there. Obviously as the story was relayed this weekend, the questions came…

“So you turned up, got abused, and didn’t come? You basically just got gay bashed then? Shall I call Stonewalls?” STOPPP. 

“You’re fucking lucky he couldn’t get hard again, because you wouldn’t be able to walk. Imagine if he’d of had a Viagra, you’d of been crippled”.

Can you imagine: Cocktails and Cocktalk becomes ‘Dating as a Gay Man In A Wheelchair’

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind getting abused but as long as it ends in a facial.

How depressing that I’d wasted an hour of my life and my balls weren’t even any lighter. Like, seriously, how you gonna make a bitch bleed but not make him cum? *Deletes App again*

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