Dear Fagony Aunt,
I recently got into a spot of trouble while on holiday in Magaluf. I’ve got quite straight-laced and religious parents, so it was nice to have a break from all that. Unfortunately, one night I got really drunk and the club reps at the hotel were advertising a holiday for the girl that could give the most head. It didn’t seem like such a big deal at the time, and what’s a little sucking for a holiday? Well, it turns out the “holiday” was just the name of a cocktail. A video ended up on the internet and now I’m being portrayed as a whore by the media. My parents are horrified. What should I do?
Dear Magaluf Girl,
Listen sweetie, we all do things on holiday we regret, just ask Maddie’s parents. And I’m sure having Mary and Joseph as your parents puts you under a lot of pressure. I read somewhere that they said you ‘dropped your godly protection for a moment’, is that what you were looking for down on your knees? I mean, I’ve heard some crazy-ass excuses in my time but if that’s the bull that comes out of your parents, it’s no surprise your moral compass is a little askew. I’m sure their faces were priceless when you asked if they wanted to see your holiday snaps.
To be fair, I can’t condone 16p a blowjob – although Mary Magdalene probably done it for less. I’d try not to worry too much about the number of guys, as I know hoes down Vauxhall that do that shit for free – you know what I’m saying. And those bitches ain’t even on holiday neither.
I did come across the video this week (as did anyone with a computer), and I must say I was less shocked at the act, than I was by all those little limp dicks. And they wanna throw around terms like “shameless”. Girl, didn’t your overprotective parents tell you not to put things that small in your mouth – forget STIs, the real danger was you choking. Well, that and your breath afterwards. Bet you had to carry around a warning sign for that toxic shit. Surprised the last few guy’s cocks didn’t melt off. Most people come back from holiday with endless amounts of sand in their case, you came back with pubes in your teeth. Seriously, doesn’t Magaluf have waxers over there? Eww.
The holiday reps that tricked you should be particularly ashamed – don’t get me wrong, you can take a whore to semen but you can’t make her drink (or guzzle) – but they are definitely in the wrong. Although, that being said, I bet you needed a drink after all that – looked like thirsty work. Hmm what should you do next? As a “Christian” girl, I suggest confession. That’s if your parents can set foot in the church without being the laughing stock of the congregation.
Then I’d probably move… Countries. This isn’t a load you need to carry around (oops, excuse the pun). Try to move on, and I’m sure the incident will soon blow over (apologies, again). I’d also never introduce your son to Google – or anyone who has access to it. Maybe don’t have kids. And on the bright side, you’ve still sucked less cock that most of the choir boys.