It’s a guilty pleasure of thousands across the country, and it recently occurred to me how homoerotic the undertones of TOWIE actually are. So how much more enjoyable (and dramatic) would the show be if the stars were gay? Would Tom Daley and Dan Osborne have actually hooked up? Would Bobby be even camper? And could Joeys shorts get any shorter?
Here are the scenarios that could have happened…
They workout at Sweatbox:
Everyone knows that Essex lads love two things; showing off their bodies, and sex. So what better place to work out than London’s 24 hour gym/sauna? Dan and Lockie enjoy a bitching session about what shoes Mario was wearing at Shadow Lounge last week and how Charlie’s been putting it about since coming out. Then they hit the showers, where Lockie helps Dan soap down…
Mark and Arg get engaged
They’ve been on and off since school, but the happy couple announced their civil rights engagement this week, and posted this pic on Twitter. Arg gushed ‘I can’t believe he finally popped the question! I’m the luckiest girl in Brentwood!’ before vowing to cut out the carbs to fit into the perfect wedding dress. But as Arg spends time planning the perfect ceremony with best friend drag queen Gemma, can Mark keep it in his pants?
Mark takes his stag do to Circuit Festival:
After announcing their engagement, Mark whisks a few of his Muscle Mary pals off for one last hoorah in Barcelona. There were originally five of them but Best Man Elliott got caught tryna bring alloy cleaner and plant food through customs. What followed was a week of strippers, shots and Steve Pitron podcasts.
And they’re not the only ones loved up:
Mario Falcone and Charlie Sims were spotted in Heaven this week unable to keep their hands off each other. Charlie’s fag hag Ferne has commented that they are both absolutely “smitten”. Both of the boys have promiscuous pasts, so hopefully they’ll not be seduced by a tacky GoGo boys with bum implants (again).
But it all ended after this:
While on holiday in Mykonos, paparazzi caught Charlie looking rather close to Diags at a pool party. A Greek barman that was giving out bottles of poppers from his jock strap belt claims to have seen ‘definite hand-job movements’, but Charlie hit back at the statement tweeting,
“I don’t even. Whatever.”
But it wasn’t enough:
When the images leaked on BattyEssexBoys.com, Mario claimed Charlie had “mugged me right off” and threw him out of their studio apartment while blaring Whitney’s ‘It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay’. An emotional Mario hit Charlie with a sack of his stuff; lots of denim, a rainbow towel, and the complete DVD collection of Sex and the City. While rumour has it Mario’s moving to the Vauxhall/Stockwell area to help the grieving period.
Joey and Kirk discuss outfits for gay pride:
Kirk: Joey mate, what you doing? I fought we agreed on green short shorts?
Joey: Yeah but I fought it woz more topical.
Kirk: What you on abat mate?
Joey: Cos green stands for Pride.
Kirk: Nah mate, green stands for envy…
Joey: Oh. Does that mean that Kermit the frog is, like, permanently jeal?
The Only Way Is Gran Canaria
Dressed head-to-toe in Topman’s finest, (Bobby wears sandals as he knows ending up on the Dunes is inevitable), the lads jet off for a sunshine getaway at one of gay capitals of the World. After several pitchers of Woo Woo, the boys end up at a tragic karaoke bar hosted by some washed up drag queen, putting on colourful wigs and recreating the Lady Marmalade music video.