It can be hard to devise New Years resolutions that one actually sticks to, so here are ten that everybody should give a go. Because not only are they achievable, but the world would be a better place if we all stuck to them.
1. Be more promiscuous
If only half of London has been sent your cock photo on Grindr then you’ve seriously been slacking. When you take pics in future also make sure you can see your face too, this is just in case you have a successful career one day and the pics do come back to haunt you – you want everyone to know it’s you. Also, branch out – start Whatsapping the videos of you getting pissed on in the shower; 2014 isn’t about being a wallflower.
2. Be more hedonistic
There is nothing more attractive that a fit guy who is squiffing out on G. Those deep blue eyes rolling back in his head. Those full lips distorting as he dribbles down his chest. No longer have you gotta listen to him have an intelligent conversation about culture and travelling, just listen to the soothing noises he makes of farmyard animals and watching his body convulse along the floor like the Human Centipede is way more interesting than his dignified two step.
3. Follow your dreams
…Or not. They’re dreams for a reason you know. Continuing to work that office job you hate with those cunts you’d rather watch burn than piss on isn’t so bad. Then again, you could always go and do something completely original like become a DJ or a club promoter, it’s a sure fire way to get your name out there – even if you can’t mix for shit or don’t actually know anybody on the gay scene it means you can still act like you’re a celebrity. At worst, just start writing a blog about the blokes you’ve shagged.
4. Find your dream man
This year hopefully the day will come when you can add that ‘Life Event’ to your timeline; and I’m not talking about Gran Canaria Pride. Make sure you fill up everyone’s NewsFeed with photos of you kissing in public places, check-ins to your own home and call him things like “monkey” and “poo bear” because it’s totally cute and not at all nauseating. Every time he makes you dinner, take a photo and Instagram it because every one is dying to see the Tesco Dinner for Two he put in the microwave for you.
5. Drop more names
*Clang* Did I ever tell you about the time me and my best friend from that reality TV show (that I accidentally bumped into once) had so much fun when I asked him for a photo a he said ‘ok’. We’re such good pals.
*Clang* Had the best time ever going to that random D-list event in Mayfair that my friend blagged us into, OMG that ex-Big Brother contestant is just soooo funny (from what I could overhear at the next table).
*Clang* SO, guess you came into my work today? Yep, it was none other than that quirky alternative musician that nobody really cares for – can’t BELIEVE I got to follow them around for hours while they ignored me.
*Clang* Changes profile picture to snap with 80s pop star that failed an attempt at a come back.
6. Find your inner child
Feel like your getting old? Well nothing makes you feel young again like dressing 20 years younger than your age. Orange peel emerging from gold hot pants and throwing on a Snapback in your late thirties proves how ‘down with the kids’ you are.
Alternatively, start acting like a complete twat again – it’s totes rejuvenating. Get so drunk that you wake up in Grimsby and start arguments with every cashier you encounter.
7. Hit the gym
Because muscles are everything. Everybody loves muscle Marys because they have such big chests, but such small egos – so you should definitely try to become one in 2014. You get to eat really tasty things like dry chicken and eggs at 5am before your gruelling gym work out. And don’t forget the steroids; the look isn’t complete without your back covered in white heads. Then whenever somebody expresses a slight dislike about their body, jump on your high horse and talking about weights for a couple hours – it’s really helpful.
8. Try drag
Even if you’re not very in touch with your feminine side, it doesn’t matter – most drag queens aren’t. Nowadays you don’t even have to shave. And if you think it costs loads of money, if you hang out in places like Trannyshack then it doesn’t have to be. Primark size 9s and half a synthetic wig will do. Be sure to throw around ‘fierce’ sayings like “girl” and “camp”.
9. Boost your confidence
Everybody has the little things they don’t like, and a New Year gives you the opportunity to change them. By far the best way to do this is surgery (if you can’t afford it just get a Sugar Daddy because that’s a totally respectful way to get things you want). Aim for big eyes, skinny nose, massive lips and orange skin – you wanna look like Barbie after a weekend on Meph. And it doesn’t matter if you’re ugly on the inside, as long as you’re pretty on the outside.
10. Take yourself really seriously
Above remember never to laugh at yourself. You are not a cartoon and your life is not a comedy show. When people want to make a remark about your lifestyle, personality traits, style or your “celebrity friends”, you should definitely remove them from Facebook, ignore them when you’re out, spread rumours about them and make sure everyone sees any unflattering photos of them because it’s not at all pathetic, it’s just self-defence.