Number 16

Number 16

WORDS BY: ANTHONY GILÉT

When you’re on the dating scene for a number of years, you tend to wrack up a certain number of tips/lessons/mantras – if you will – that you can then pass on to other people starting out/coming out. Here just a few:

1. Beauty means nothing if you’re a loose Lucy.

2. Benders that love benders often need straightening out.

3. A gay guy with bad eyebrows is as good as straight.

4. Orgies are the new black.

5. If he’s in his twenties and likes WWE, don’t wrestle with the decision about dumping him.

6. A man that talks dirty was born kinky.

7. Just because he’s a top, that doesn’t make him a “man”.

8. If you introduce a date to Vauxhall, chances are he’ll go home with someone else.

9. You can tell a lot about a man by his Grindr favourites.

10. Having a friend accidentally stumble across that photo in your phone album is every gay man’s worst nightmare.

11. Hoes use hook up apps, but the real skets use Whatsapp.

12. If he hasn’t shagged someone you know – don’t let him go!

13. A man in heels is often braver than a man with muscles.

14. Freebies are the way to a gay man’s heart.

15. If he seems too good to be true – he’s probably bad in bed.

16. Every gay man has baggage – it’s just better if its Louis Vuitton.

17. Don’t be afraid to punch above your weight because on the gay scene hot guys wake up next to hideous messes all the time.

18. Grindr meets are like fry-ups. They’re a good idea when you’re hungover but at any other time they just leave you feeling regret.

19. Never judge a guy by his sex face (especially if he’s taking it like a bitch).

20. Avoid men that are like martinis; shallow, transparent and bitter.

21. Celebrity friends and job opportunities are not wise reasons to date someone.

22. If all he cares about are designer labels, you’ll probably never be good enough.

23. There’s nothing sweeter than the look of a jealous ex.

24. Chariots do not breed long term relationships.

25. A man who wears cheap underwear isn’t taking you anywhere fabulous anytime soon.

26. Never get attached to a man who doesn’t introduce you to his friends.

27. They say its better to regret the things you did do, not the things you didn’t do – unfortunately this doesn’t apply to shags.

28. Never trust a man who brings flip flops to Pleasuredrome.

29. Straggly pubes are the spawn of the devil.

30. If he doesn’t text back, he’s not busy girl – he’s just over you.

31. Unless you want a shitty dick – wear a condom.

32. You can minimise Walk of Shames by sleeping with men with cars. When in doubt – do a taxi dash.

33. Men with wallets tighter than their bum holes aren’t worth shit.

34. Unless you plan on marrying him, don’t shit in front of him.

35. Love is blind – especially in a dark room.