Going Up: Thunderstorms

Our summer might have come unusually late, but when it came, boy did it come. Interspersed with the blistering heat wave were humid thunderstorms. There’s something eerie, but erotic about thunderstorms. When violent they can be scary, which makes people vulnerable. Vulnerability and intimacy are inevitably linked, making sex in the midst of a thunderstorm all the more passionate. So if you’re fighting with a lover, use the storms as time to make up in the best possible way. God, I fucking sound like Mystic Meg. But it’s true – they also have associations of kissing in the rain (only the most romantic thing ever!)

Going Down: Trashy Trannies

trashy-trannies

Swearing off drugs is always a good idea if you want to keep your body in shape. But once you’ve had two dozen vodkas it isn’t always as easy to stick to the plan. All it then takes it one fit tranny fucker to turn up, and next thing you know you’re at a chill out throwing on the world’s worst wigs to try and impress him. Scarlet. And while your giggling away thinking you’ve it in the bag (and possibly him in the sack), his remarks about your hairy arse suggest otherwise. Devo’d. And by this point you’re already high so there’s no stopping you – enter a string of half-arsed outfits (think Britney-esque school shirts tied up with a snail trail on show and shiny leggings). Fail. But it’s like the old saying goes, it’s all fun and games until you’re doing booty bumps in the toilet in PVC knee highs.

Going Up: Straight Friends

While attending Gay Pride with a gaggle of hetero’s may seem like hell on earth, I was actually looking forward to spending time with my straight sisters. And these were gay-appreciating, drama-free, nudity-encouraging straights! The best kind, if you ask me. Basically fags with fannies. And things get even better when one of them has her hot straight boyfriend in tow. (No, not because you plan on getting him demolished on Mandy and seeing where it leads). But because gays love a muscley boy they can’t have. What that means is (aside from cackling at the hilarity of limp-wristed queens dribbling as he bowls through the club) that the more people looking at him, in-turn equals more people looking at you – and that’s never a bad thing.

Going Down: Family Embarrassment

STOP. IT.

STOP. IT.

Living with parents can just be too much sometimes. Walking into my living room, I see what at first glance looks like a kilo of cocaine on my mantlepiece. Alas, no, my dad wasn’t harbouring a serious drug habit – but upon closer look I found it be a… *gag* Emergency poncho?! When does one ever need an “emergency” poncho? The only thing I could think was that you were chatted up by somebody unattractive in a bar and would throw on the poncho to repel them. It wasn’t even a Betty Suarez/Aztec Print design that could attempt to be passed of as some future fashion fad (that would never happen)… It was *gag* plastic. Since when did it become acceptable to look like dry cleaning? Emergency or not, I’d rather get wet than be a walking condom.

And then, sometimes they just surprise you. Coming home from day at work to see that my dad has put a washing on, only after emptying all my pockets to make sure nothing gets washed that shouldn’t. Upon the washine machine lays a cockring. BIBLE. No, it wasn’t his. It was mine. Actually on second thoughts that probably could have done with a quick spin on 30. I don’t even know how that got there… And then I think back to that random Grindr meet I had and after I came just wanted to get out of there so quickly I left with his sex paraphernalia in tow. Whoops. But my question is, ‘did my dad actually know what it was?’ I’m picturing his contorted and curious face as he picks it out my pocket with bare hands. He would have DIED if he knew where it has been. Probably thought it was a bracelet.

Still, I guess that’s still better than the behaviour a friend of mine had to endure from a strict Muslim father, who after finding his gay porn yelled that he was a paedophile. Maybe he should put down the Quran and pick up a dictionary… #JustSaying

Going Up: Selena Gomez

The best bit about a ‘Disney’ girl’s life is when she starts to grow up and attempts to establish that she’s not that little girl anymore. Most of them get slutty, skinny and little cray. Selena is doing this – but without losing herself. When she released ‘Come And Get It’, despite totally ripping off Rihanna for the video, I was loving this girl’s new sound. Her second single from the Stars Dance album is ‘Slow Down’ and is even better. The styling is good (not wow) but that dirty pop bass throughout just makes you grind, which I think is what she was going for. Her lyrics are gradually getting more mature too – “I just wanna feel your body right next mine…”

I have major DISNEY RAGE. It must be a lot of fun to be that skinny Disney slut. #Living

Going down: Justin Beiber

Total disgrace. And I'm not talking about his lesbian haircut.

Total disgrace. And I’m not talking about his lesbian haircut or his 50 Cent fashion choices.

While Selena Gomez is ‘Going Up’, her on/off other-half is most certainly not. After a string of disappointing performances (turning up later, assaulting paparazzi), photos were distributed this week of Beiber SPITTING at a fan. Not acceptable you jumped up, in-the-closet, think’s-he’s-ghetto-but-sings-batty-man-pop, immature prick. You’re done.