DON’T Be Thirsty

Hungry holes and thirsty throats are not a good look. So don’t get carried away a become the one that is on their knees and ready to please, while everyone else is using your back as a foot rest. And you know when you’re branded ‘the slutty one’ at a sex party you needed to have a look at yourself (and then wash). There’s always one that gets with everyone – and not because all the boys are on it – but because they’re cock-hungry and desperate. They’re usually the least attractive of the crowd and consider somebody using their throat as a helmet polisher a great way to boost their ego; when the opposite is true for the other guy probably tripping off the wallpaper and not wanting to be rude by saying ‘no’. It’s much better to be a Wilhelmina Wallflower than a Thirsty Tanya.

DO Network

Like a true professional, every social occasion (whether it’s a Bahmitzvah or a birthday) is a chance to promote what you’re selling (so to speak), and sex parties are no exception. So you need to werq the room out of the sheets as well as under them; taking an erect cock in one hand while passing out business cards with the other may not seem like the most natural of actions – but it’s just like riding a bike, only it’s not a bike, it’s a man. And trust me, it’s a lot easier than trying to say your email address with your mouth full. You can meet all kinds of people, especially with 97% of gay people all working in media, graphic design and PR – you may meet someone that can help you out as well as help get you off.

DON’T Discuss The Goings On

Whether you’re in a bedroom-slash-kitchen-slash-living-room in Brixton or a bouji flat in Bloomsbury, the same rules apply as do to the Playboy Mansion, what happens at the party stays in the party. And that includes giving excessive details on your sex blog. Nobody needs to know how you blew enough lads to make up both sides of a five-a-side football match (including the subs, and the ref) and similarly nobody needs to know who got gaped like a cow giving birth.

DON’T Suffer From Sex Shame

After the first few parties you go to it tends to go away by itself anyway, but just because you had one foot up by the microwave and the other foot up by the cooker when getting wocked out in the kitchen, doesn’t mean you’ve got anything to be ashamed of. Everybody is at the party for the same reason, and there’s little judgement. It’s like a cheaper, cleaner and more comfortable sauna. At least you don’t leave feeling physically dirty… just morally. Turn that frown upside down, turn those knickers inside out and turn that walk of shame into a stride of pride – even when that means going commando and carrying your pants rolled up in your pocket.

DO Be Prepared For The Repercussions

And unfortunately, they do come in both physical and emotional forms…



Dang it. Thankfully it was only a minor, and I didn’t have it. And still, the term “sex” is a bit generous…



Oh hunnaaay, you’re forgetting that I know where your mouth has been *SNAP*
Especially when both of these messages are from the same person.

DO Know What You’re Getting Yourself In For

As a rule of thumb, you should expect at least one person to try and shove it inside you without a condom, and at one point or another you’ll probably encounter a sweaty panting fur ball that hand-claps the floor with her man-cooch in the air. It’s like some kind of low budget porn where one of the stars got sick and they asked the local kebab man to step in. Someone may pull out a meph pipe too. But these can all be avoided, by a simple hair-flip and bitch-slap, followed by:

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While these are negative, there are plus-sides too. For instance, do be prepared to have sex with some of the hottest boys you’ve ever met. And I mean Paul Walker sitting naked in a jacuzzi, kinda hot! Do be prepared to have sex in front of other people, and do be prepared for other people having sex in front of you. If you can’t get changed in the locker room without a towel wrapped around your waist, you’re probably at the wrong party. Similarly, if you wanna sniff k, dribble down your t-shirt and watch Avatar – it’s not the place.

DON’T Over-think Things.

Walking into a party of this kind can be like cruising through the wild life of the Sahara desert and before you know it, you have David Attenborough’s voice going through your head…

“The pack stalk silently around the shuddering body, sussing out which of them is going to feed off it first. After being lured onto their territory via Grindr, the pack has the young out-numbered; and though wimpering for its mother, cannot be saved. They ravage the body, until each is satisfied.
The weakest of the pack wanders around the other members, hoping to catch any spare pieces of flesh that go unattended, but is kicked away by its stronger counterparts. Though being fed not long ago, this weakling remains hungry; much to the other members dislike…”

DON’T Expect More From The Occasion

I’ve done this BARE times. Well, a couple at least. Don’t think just because you’ve pinned a guy down and thrown his legs over your shoulders like a 70 year-old’s saggy tits that he’s ‘the One’. Also don’t think that just because you were the lead role in a ménage a trios that you’re going to be this couple’s new play thing. Most people tend to keep what happens at a sex party separate from their ‘real’ life. After all it’s not usually something a lot of people do when they’re not ‘in the moment’, and by in the moment I mean licking the crumbs at the bottom of a bag of Mephedrone.

So when you go suggesting romantic get-aways in Spain and mid-week cuddles, don’t be surprised if:

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DO Prepare To Feel Sexed-Out…

On that Walk of Shame – sorry – Stride of Pride, you may feel like you’ve had enough sex to last you a lifetime. Until next month that is…