Whether you’re in night vision or not, ya’ll need to be looking good for a start.

It’s 1pm and were having lunch in a bouji Soho restaurant (jokes, it was totally a Wetherspoons), discussing recent events.
“Why do I keep on making these stupid mistakes?”
“Cause girl, you got a blog to write!”
So depressing, so true. Oli was right, I did have a blog to write, but how am I supposed to dole out advice when I can’t even get it right myself?
By letting you laugh at my mistakes, and hoping you won’t repeat them. Just kidding, misery loves company, and I know you’ve done stupid shit too.
The mistake I was referring to was slight mishap involving a phone, a dirty picture and someone who probably shouldn’t have received it. When I refer to mistakes I ‘keep on…’ making – let’s just say it’s not the first time I’ve had a Shit! What do I do?incident with a scandalous photo. Let’s take it back some time ago…Sex, Lies & Videotape

At some point, we all come undone. And in some cases, this can be more literal than others. and unfortunately it’s not just “celebrities” that get caught with their knickers down and the camera rolling.
One day while out having lunch, I dropped out my studying to go for a couple drinks. Well, it was a Wednesday after all. Drinking, somehow, end up with a few cheeky lines, which inevitably led to a chill out. Not sure why I’m calling it a chill out, ’cause there weren’t nothing cold about that night, things got so steamy, that even the fridge started hyperventilating.
The mild chill out of a few friends turned into a slightly wilder night when more people turned up. Needless to say that as the powder went up, the guards went down and people were in various states of undress and foreplay. I won’t give you the ‘ins and outs’, so to speak, as I’m sure you can gather.
But when browsing through the Grindr conversations that took place that night, DON’T THINK there wasn’t pictures of me being sent out,butt-naked, engaging in things that would make Anna Nicole Smith blush.
Photos that someone else had taken, without my permission, and sent on. Like, if I’m gonna unwillingly make a porno, you could’ve at least let me prepped first. An eyebrow wax and a sun bed wouldn’t have hurt anybody.
And with ratchet hair and pupils like beef burgers, this leaked footage was hardly gonna catapult me to stardom. I spose most celebrities have ‘accidentally’ released sex tapes, and this be mine. Albeit cheaper, skankier and unintentional. If I knew there was a camera I’d of at least tensed my stomach muscles and put on a bit of bronzer. Well, one things for sure, at least I suck dick better than Tulisa, so ain’t nobody criticising that after her poor performance.
The mishap reminds me of a girl I knew a long time ago…
“This one time at band camp”, bitch please, as if I went to band camp – it was just this one time at school. And a girl in my year was getting totally fresh with some boy on webcam. She thought he was a toned Scally, instead he was just total skeeze… From our class! Next thing you know, the screen shots were being passed around like a pre-teen boy at Michael Jackson’s house party. Don’t think she weren’t just flicking her bean neither, she totally had a beer bottle up there. Needless to say, it put me off Budweiser for a while. Poor girl. I would’ve been redder than a Louboutin sole.
And you think things didn’t get worse. Her sister then gets caught doing it too! And not only did she have her baps out, she had those muthafuckers in her mouth! BIBLE. She had her 48GG titties all up in her gob, if this was a SMA advert, she could’ve played the mother and the baby she was feeding. It was a bit like a scene at the dinner table in Scary Movie 2 –
“She got the more orangutan titties, put you in the full nelson an lick ’em” – Shorty.
Needless to say, both girls went on to finish school with a certificate in one hand and a tarnished reputation in the other. But my point is, they had to live with that ratchet image, all because they made a mistake.
My mistake, was
a) getting so high I ended up at a sex party, and
b) not hiring a bouncer to confiscate any camera phones or photographic equipment upon entry.
I’m sure the photo is non-existent now, thanks to the fact that Grindr doesnt save to camera roll. But the fact of the matter is, making mistakes is part of being young. *Cue cheesy auto-tuned Tulisa song.
If you can’t look back at your younger years, or even last year and cringe – what’s the point?
What those girls learned was that, much like in the story of Little Red Riding Hood, not everyone is who they say they are. And perhaps, not to let boys ‘milk’ you for free cam shows. What I learned, is that sex, is an act that should be committed in private. Not in shared rooms, with iPhones at arms length.
So, did I then, treat it like herpes and just close my eyes and hope it disappeared? Or, fight the music and evoke damage control? LATER! Damage control…
#
Damage control takes time, and I was busy. So the previous, it was! It was totally irreparable anyway, so as Carrie B once wisely stated “When real people fall down in life, they get right back up, and keep on walking”. Although this was more of a case of, when people get high and go down, they get right back up and wipe their lips.