Well a week and a half to be precise. After a recent continous ki ki, I’ve produced a mini-guide that gives you 10 ways to help survive a 10 day bender…
MIX & MATCH: Sometimes when you’re out for an extended period of time, (and you live all the way in Zone 4), you have to work with what little resources you have. Shown here, you can maximise your glam-factor by turning one look into three. But mix & match doesn’t only refer to your garms. Mix up those events; bars, clubs, concerts, chill outs, saunas, park benches – whatever the fuck you want girl! Also mix & match your drugs, ketacomas at intimate after parties, and MDMA at MDNA; Rihanna at Coachella ain’t got shit on us bitch.
SEX: Don’t be afraid to take a break from racking up lines to racking up men. Start WERQing that skinny body you’ve got from your six day starvation, throw on a huge pair of shades and work that lollipop head. And when the option arises, don’t be afraid to drop your sunnies (and pants) to the floor, and show a bitch how it’s done.
Although, as a pointer, make your male selections wisely. Choosing the first attractive man that minces past is sometimes a mistake. When she’s got one foot by the microwave and the other foot by the kettle and her hole is quite literally begging to be pounded like a slab of cold meat, it can be more than enough to make you go soft.
And yet, even with my slab of cold meat not remotely turned on, her pyloric puckered for more. What with his gaping gunge-hole and my flaccid member, it was like dipping a cheese string into a strawberry muller corner. There’s some people that can’t keep it up after loads of drugs (like him, for example. BIBLE. She was literally just offering me her canyon. Devo’d) – but if I’m horny, it’s happening, no matter how many drinks/narcotics I’ve consumed, but in this case; I would’ve actually been more turned on watching a midget get fisted by Oprah Winfrey. Still, I did what I could for like a dozen positions before “I just pulled my dick out her ass and ran y’all” – Shorty, Scary Movie.
ACCEPT FRIENDLY ADVANCES: Benders can drain your energy, so taking help from friends along the way is essential. For example, when you’re asking a friend to hook you up and he gives you a suitcase the size of Switzerland, with drugs that even FRANK couldn’t identify – you take it. And you take all of them. Preferably in the space of ten minutes. And then when you suddenly find yourself on a magic carpet in the middle of Vauxhall, bellowing
“Can you see all those people down there taking pictures of us?” – Enjoy it, levitational trips don’t come that frequently.
(Even in the severest of k holes I thought I was above everyone else – and famous, evidently).
Although perhaps it’s not such a good idea to feed them all to the new Essex boy on your arm – that then ends up being escorted outside for air because he’s tripping on four kinds of amphetamines. Whoopsie. And no matter what people say, I never drugged him because he wouldn’t go further than hand jobs. Prude! Needless to say, his best friend, who just so happened to be the identical twin of Big Fat Bastard was less than impressed; that’s when you do a “courtesy bye” and duck out.
STAY RESPONSIBLE: No, I don’t mean drink less. And no, I don’t mean stop mixing your drugs. But maybe taking copious amounts of drugs at work isn’t the best idea. Firstly, when an over weight customer falls off her kitten heel and demolishes half the shop, it’s probably best not to laugh.
Secondly, when a customer orders more minutes on a sun bed than they usually do, perhaps clucking “Turkey’s done!” accompanied by oven noises isn’t the most professional response. And finally, leaving empty baggies around for the ancient queen that works in the next room – tends to go down like a shit sandwich. Okay, so it’s fine for her to pound twenty four vodkas a day and then cut peoples hair, but a little pick me up on day three of your party binge is totally wrong? No wonder bitches leave her salon with mulettes the colour of diahoreah. Shady hypocrite, *shakes head.
BE CULTURAL: Spreading your cultural wings, can lead to good things. #PearlsOfWisdom
When a boggle eyed somalian stranger emerged from nowhere, cackling
“ey bubbi, ‘ow ah yoo?”
Don’t get me wrong, bitch was ready to run. Who the f was she?! “Whot wood you lack too drink?” he offered.
*Fake surprise face.
“Haaay baby gurrl!” – Brenda, Scary Movie. “I’ll have two of whatever you’re having sister!” Well, it would’ve been rude for me to decline an old ‘friend’. “It has been forever! Where you been hiding girl?” I still didn’t have a fucking clue who she was, but hey, while she had cash in her hand, I had drinks in mine. I may have seemed shallower than the shots we were slamming, but by day 6 of the bender, I needed some serious energy – as apparently we’d entered a district without dealers.
Cut to *Madame Tequila bringing me a dozen shots while I reclined in the bouji hot tub of a members club. Fierce. After more spirits than Christian Bale has personalities, getting drunk on a Wednesday afternoon never felt better.
That’s how you do it bitch. *Files nails.
Part Two… COMING SOON!