Some of you bitches are just fucking clueless on how to handle yourself in a celebutant situation. The word to keep in mind Debbies is DECORUM. So i,e. DO be funny if you can and when it’s appropriate. DON’T tell them you’re their “biggest fan”. Cunt.
Hey, I’m not perfect, I get it wrong too. And here’s what I’ve learnt…
DON’T: Take shit from Eva/Diva Longoria.
AS IF I got given the ‘one minute’ finger from La Mexican midget.
“Excuse me…” I approached her politely…
*Holds one finger up.
“Let me give you some advice okay? Don’t point your fucking finger at crazy people!” – Girl, Interrupted.
I mean, is this bitch for real? Where does she think she is?! You may own the Desperate Housewives set, but you’re on my soil now bitch. I may have been a skinny white girl, but she was NOT pushing me around like Teri Hatcher. Take your ‘tude and your Lipsy dress back to Queens and learn some manners. Latino trash. I don’t know how they do things in Rio Di Ja-rudeness, but over here it’s custom to courtesy pie. I should’ve snapped that boney digit in half when I had the chance.
And although she has less manners than a sweaty Spaniard on the tube, she was undoubtedly the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. On the outside, obviously.
DO: Take it from her boyfriend. Because, “he’s big, and he’s black, and he’ll kick your ass!” – Scary Movie.
Well, EX-boyfriend. There you have it bitch, maybe if spent more time sucking dick than being a snobby sket, you might still have a man.
But literally, he’s one skyscraper of a man. And he looks like an oversized extra from Kidulthood. And it’s so not about getting happy slapped by Tony Parker because you grabbed his girlfriend by her Twiglet finger and told her she was the best looking tranny you’d ever seen.
DON’T: Pour your heart out to cast members of GLEE.
“I just have to say… when you sing – I actually melt.”
Colour me cringe. But he was totes lovely despite my embarrassing out pour. Maybe that gram of coke and two glasses of champagne in between the second and third courses wasn’t the best idea.
DO: Read between the lines with Darren Criss.
“I love your bow tie. I’ve been looking at it all night.” he quipped.
Bless – he was actually trying to hide his affections for me behind an interest in fashion. I realise it was probably hard for him to admit that he was crushing on a 6 foot of pure fierceness, but as if complimenting my clothing made him seem LESS gay.
DO: Compliment Hollywood Legends
“Oh my God, when you pulled the corn on the cob out of your weave, I just died!”
Telling Debbie Reynolds that played Grace Adler’s mum in Will & Grace.
“What a lovely young man…” they praised me after we were papped. Well girl, I didn’t want to be the one to say it.
DON’T: Take back the compliment five seconds later.
I attempted to show how lovely I was, by insulting my brother and complimenting them at the same time.
“Oh my God, he looks older than BOTH of you!”
Fail. They looked totally devo’d. Even 17 shots of botox couldn’t hold up their frowns.
DON’T: Wear 6 inch wedges next to Usher. You will tower that shit.
DO: Let him feel your bicep.
“He had it, he had it bad…”.
But please, girl, “you do not come to a party at this castle with an Alicia Keys knock off, and then scam on some innocent boy 3 hours later”. – Mean Girls(ish).
AS IF I saw you giving some beard a rose during the entrees, and now your rubbing up on this? Nah-uh! It ain’t going down like that.
Now, don’t get me wrong – I ain’t saying Usher’s gay, he might’ve just thought I was Agness Deyn or maybe Robyn – what with my slender physique and peroxide hair. But all I’m saying is, she felt a bicep, and she weren’t showing signs of stopping…
“SECURRRITY!!” – Bon Qui Qui.
DO: Ask them to borrow their shit.
So I’m hosting, Lauren Pope is DJing. We meet in the bathroom, as two girls do, and LP lent me this gorgeous lip shit, it was amazing.
DON’T: Verbally back-hand their friend. We’re sitting round the table for her birthday, and I’m next to Lauren Goodger. It was like totes a TOWIE reunion and there’s like a complete lull. So I thought I’d break the ice by giving her a complement,
“Oh my God, I love your bracelet…”
Serious. I’m actually SO Regina George without even realising. Needless to say the conversation ran drier than a virgin’s clunge after that. “Whoopsie. I guess I dropped the ball on that one.” – Estelle, Friends.
That’s how you do (and don’t) do it bitch. *Files nails