So after walking what felt like five miles in the freezing cold, but in the worlds fiercest crop jacket we arrived at his block of flats. The inside of which resembled a mental institution, which later I was to discover I must’ve been to come back here.
We didn’t waste time stripping off, I’m a busy bee – and I had places to bee . He was a little shy whipping it out – and then I knew why… I’m not a size queen but this was officially the worlds smallest dick, aside from Tom Cruise.
I thought, Im not sucking you off, my parents taught me not to put small parts in my mouth in case I choke. No but in all honesty, I was thinking
Eek… Guess we know who’s guna be the top then…
And AS IF he still wanted to be the top; Girl, look at the SIZE of it?! Why waste your time, just use your finger! (which was probably wider too)
So he’s looking for the condoms, I’m looking for my monocle. I felt like I’d walked into Iceland by mistake and suddenly found myself by the cocktail sausages. Meanwhile thinking that the whole acorn-sized penis issue has totally put me off sex anyway, and SO wasn’t having sympathy sex with someone I’d just met.
So nine weeks without sex and this is the first guy I see naked?! I totes rather be celibate. And then out of nowhere (as if his disappearing genitalia wasn’t dreadful enough)…
he arks pulling out a Tina pipe. BIBLE.
I thought; SISTER if you spent as much time using a penis pump as you do hanging off a crack pipe we might actually have something to work with here. And as if I was guna let her crystal meth teeth around my dong?! They’d probably end up crumbling to the carpet. So naturally I just solantro’d out like a diva that didn’t get the Andrex puppies in her dressing room; frustrated, yet fierce.
And evidentially microscopic penis wasn’t degrading enough… cut to me literally climbing through my friends window after he fell asleep. I’m like totes traumatised, I’m going to get my teeth whitened to feel better. But in the words of a wise man – “Every experience is a lesson” – Jerry Springer.
And this experience has taught me to try before I buy. (In other words, get a pic or have a feel before you schlep to the dregs of West Central). Who gives a FUCK if it’s shallow, would you rather be stuck with a meth-head and his chipolatta?