I’m currently reading The Velvet Rage (yup, my reading collection does surpass subtitles on foreign porn and event invites on Facebook). I’m only thirty pages in but already compelled to finish the book in a day. It states that as children growing up gay, who are taught that homosexuality is wrong, we learn to create a mask in order to receive validation from our parents and the outside world. It states that not only do we initially hide in the closet, but we create other masks too, i.e.; the stereotype of having a good body, the latest gadgets and expensive clothes. Which, if this is true, why do so many gay men lack confidence? You would think it’s because this secret makes us insecure, but surely if we’re capable of faking sexualities, our incomes and even feelings for other people, why can’t we fake confidence for ourselves? And if all of these facades are so dubious, is it really wrong to fake a fake persona?
To look at me on first glance, I’m chatty, smiley and wear things even Lady Gaga couldn’t pull off; in other words, the epitome of confidence. That’s mainly because out of the majority of people, I’m over what they think of me before they’ve even thought it.
As Samantha Jones rightly states, “If I listened to what every bitch in New York said about me I’d never leave the house”.
But, however, when it comes to the men I like and the people’s opinions I do care about, I’m totally fucked. For instance, bumping into guys I like leaves me so nervous I literally feel the capillaries in my cheeks bursting.
Am I sexy enough? Am I funny enough? Am I laughing enough? Am I laughing too much? Have I got something in my teeth? Fuck, it’s warm in here. Oh my God, I’m sweating. Can he see the sweat? Am I babbling? I’ve asked him if he’s alright like three times. What a douche. Have I got too much make up on? Have I got enough make up on? Is my hair too flat? Is my hair too dry? Do I look fat? Why are my palms so clammy? Am I being too obvious? Am I being obvious enough? Why am I looking at the floor? Make eye contact! But not for too long. Fuck – it’s REALLY hot in here!
AND BREATHE. < That last one only comes once the conversations over.
These feelings, (albeit totally insane) are inevitably linked to those “Why Now?” moments. “Why Now?” moments are the scenarios when you bump into that one person, that although you’re happy to see more than 99% of other people, you just don’t want to see there and then, and hence think: Fuck. Why Now?! They occur when you’ve smoked a doobie the size of a rolling pin and see your HOT neighbour in Sainsbury’s while buying five multi-packs of crisps, it occurs first thing in the morning with no concealer and a sports cap on your greasy bed hair when you’re on the train home from a one night stand in Vauxhall, and most frequently they occur when you’re so hungover you can’t function let alone flirt and are working in a tanning shop, that’s so hot even shaved armpits and two roll on sticks can’t hide your body odour.
Question: So why do we (or at least I) get SO hot and bothered by guys we like?
Problem: “Why Now” situations are totes killing my homojo.
Solution: Alcohol or Valium. Both totally relax you.
Deep Breaths (you can do this while they talk and you nod).
Talk slower: You’ll seem more comfortable in his presence.
Drink water: If the opportunity to sip water while your talking to them is at hand, don’t even hesitate. It will cool you down, calm you down and gives them a chance to ask questions without you blabbing on and it gives you something to do with your hands.
Under-dress: It sounds slutty, but if you’re always too cold, chances are when they turn up, it won’t even be possible for you to overheat. It also gives off the vibe that happy in your own skin.