So I recently read on a website; a run-down of 2011 HOTTEST moments on the London Scene, with ‘HARD ON: FUCK OFF’ being at number one. Hmmm… No, that’s not get a hard on and then fuck off, that’s get a hard on and join in the fuck-off; a LIVE stage fucking competition. With a photo of six men scantily bound in rubber at the top of the list. LATER. Whoever told you that a muzzle made of latex was hot, was seriously deluded. Needless to say, ‘Gimping’ won’t be topping my list…
- Giving it Attitude: So not only did 2011 start with a bang, with yours truly gracing the centrefold of Attitude magazine, but we also found ourselves creaming our Aussiebums at men with a firmer hand. Not spanking, AS IF, just a bit of rough play. And I’m not referring to that prostitute that spat in my mouth outside FiRE, but more about the April hottie that pinned me down rougher than Jeff Hard-on. I don’t even like WWE, but as long as he refrained from battering me black and blue like the Rihanna/Chris Brown saga – a little ‘Rudeboy’ was all good.
- FEMME FATALE: Yeah Britney’s album was totes feroshe, but she didn’t have a thing on us at September’s Torture Garden Ball where we glammed up, dragged up and drank up. After we got made up with MAC, we made out with strangers and all eyes (through the gimp masks) were on the two fierce trannies that under a house of worship, sinned like Satan and didn’t burn. And after we pulled the heels on, one of us got pulled off…
- LOVEBOX: As “straight” festivals go, this one in East London tore it up! With fine specimen spewing from every angle, it’s safe to say the gays BOX was LOVE-ing it. Kelis sang ‘Milkshake’ – but sorry girl, it was my wet look shorts and boxing boots combo that was bringing all the boys to the yard this time.
- Dirty Talks: I RINSED Wynter Gordon’s summer tune of last year, even all throughout 2011 – totes HOT. What was NOT would be the cringe-fest that was my ONLY holiday hook-up this year. In Ibiza, after literally being cruised from the pool area to my bedroom, chucking out my hungover room-mate and stripping off with a hot builder (welder? surveyor? whatevs) from Newcastle, I thought the holiday had just got good. Then came the Dirty Talks…
“Yer lack a northern lad den’t yer?”
Nope. Not anymore. Absolutely Not. Not ever again.
- Animal Behaviour: While firm favourites such as ZOO PROJECT (Ibiza) went up on the list, and as already stated, you gotta love a bit of rough play, when it came to men behaving like dogs, or even worse, cats. (Ref: Men Are Dogs…) It was time to pick up the paws and move on.
- While things like F*ck-Buddying went down in 2011 (it was totes all about moving on, and not getting hung up) – Sex in new places went with it. I’m all one for new experiences, but it’s so NOT about fumbling around with a “straight” boy in the back of your mates van. While it’s moving. Especially when the speed bumps are giving you more of a thrill than the guy.