Neither myself nor my date were quite up to pornstar performance.

If there’s one thing I love; it’s a man in a suit. Unfortunately not all men in suits look like something off Men at Play, but it’s a start in the right direction.
Out one night, to the usual Soho haunts, I gave my number to a fairly charming business man. Don’t get me wrong I was drunk off my tits, but he was definitely a smooth talker. He followed me up for a real date and I sat fascinated as he droned on and on about his hideously boring job. It was something to do with TV which would explain why I sat naivly intrigued like a gambler in front of a fruit machine.
Looking back, what a SNOOZE-FEST! My nan’s irritable bowl is more interesting to listen to. It definitely has more to say for itself. Whatevs, he was like totes rich, and at seventeen that SO appealed to me. I wouldn’t use the word ‘shallow’ – just profoundly interested in money. Hence why I agreed to cocktails later in the week.

Although, I was beginning to learn that after six or seven cosmopolitan’s (Cut to Carrie Bradshaw – “I AM A WO-MAN!” Spilling her cosmo everywhere) his intollerable drone went from almost suicidal to almost bearable. As the night progressed (and the conversation didn’t) he announces that he has a few pills on him, that he was supposed to drop off to a friend earlier.

YES! YES. YES. An upper is exactly what this downer needed! So once they’d kicked in, we proceeded to his penthouse not far from Covent Garden. As far as the conversation went he was duller than Jeremy Clarkson, but I was attracted to him (and as high as Courtney Love on a Sunday afternoon). So this is where things get a little hazy…
Although I do remember his whimpering cries,
“Less teeth! Less teeth!”
“Whoopsie, I guess I dropped the ball on that one” – Estelle, Friends.
In my defence, I was gurning my life away, I’m surprised I didn’t leave with it in my mouth. My Bad.
As if he’d just let me double drop and then expected me to have the perfect blowjob etiquette. LATER.
“They don’t call it a job for nothing” – Samantha, Sex and the City.