Sometimes we act like boys are the most important thing in the world (girls in a playground) – but imagine if we thrived off men the way we do food. If that were the case i’d definitely be a size zero, seen as i’d not been on a date in so long! I’d call it severe “manorexia” – not a man with anorexia, just a man who was starved of men. Recently, anyway.
Still, it’s better than my bulimic phase where every date was SO bad you literally wanted to throw it up after, and like eating a big mac, pretend it never happened. I once had a date with a guy i’d met on the internet; mid-twenties, skin head. Or; mid-thirties, receding hair line as he actually turned up.
But I was too nice (stupid) to leave straight away. He bought champagne, thank god, maybe if I drank enough of it he would look like he was in his twenties again. Talking of eating/dating disorders, he spoke of these slimming pills he was on. So obviously, i mugged him for twenty or so; cut to me rushing off my face on the checkout at Sainsbury’s, can’t even scan the pineapple because my hands are shaking like Parkinson’s. So I assume they were laced with speed, No wonder your face has shrivelled like a raison and your hair is falling out. Still least that shift at Sainsbury’s SPED BY.
So whatever, he’s still boring, so I’m like “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here” – yet nobody comes to rescue me from this bushtucker trial of a date. Definitely would rather eat kangaroo bollocks. Just when you think it can’t get worse, he tells me… (Wait for it)…
He used to f*ck his brother. BIBLE. This actually happened to me. Then goes on to say…(Yes, there IS more) He has the third largest in-blood family in the UK. What was I supposed to say? Sorry you only got the bronze, try harder next year? As if our kids wouldn’t have been fucked up enough with two gay parents, one harbouring an addiction to speed, but now they’d have boss eyes, clef lips and one long arm that drags along the floor? So needless to say, I try and purge this one fro my memory!
And then there are the men you can’t help but binge on. Uncontrollable, erratic, whirlwind ramances you can’t get enough off. I had one once, he didn’t tattoo my ass like Rihanna’s We Found Love, but he was racist towards the polish and work in a harvester. Mmm…The beauty of hindsight!