We love you Paris but - Oooof! Saggy tits for a size two sister is NOT a good look!

INDECENT PROPOSAL…

So it wasn’t exactly a million pounds and a night of sex, but i was offered travel expenses paid, good food, the best sex of my life and a home made sex video. Looks like I just got upgraded from Carrie Bradshaw to Paris Hilton! Cut to me rolling around, dutty wining in night vision and a fur gilet. I feel i should state, i wasn’t whoring myself out to some old guy, it was just an offer from someone I used to do. I was definitely prepared to be wined, dined and 69ed. It had been long enough since all three, but filmed?!

Don’t get me wrong, I love the camera as much as it loves me, but do i actually want to see my own ‘come face’; eyelids fluttering, buck toothed and panting? Absolutely Not. Do I actually want to see a torpedo of semen catapulted across my perfectly crafted eyebrows? Absolutely Not. Do I actually want to see an amateur porno where I (in my prime) am the star? Kind of… For a start it would help prevent typecasting and prove I play different roles…

“I CAN BE SEXY!” – Selma Blair, Cruel Intentions –

AND at least I would know my angles, right?! Alas, I wasn’t sure I’d inflict the experience on myself  just yet, it was gunna take at least a week to landscape that manscape properly!

“*cough* I’m sick…” – Karen (Mean Girls)

Aside from the angles and the awkward down syndrome sex faces, i was also worried about where’d it end up…

But you know if there’s a camera up in here, “I best not find this flick on YouTube…” – Mariah Carey